Valentine's Day & Romance

So I'm trying to think of something nice to do on Valentines Day. I have no idea what to get for my husband or what we should really do. I want to make this year memorable. I wonder what he has planned for me? Hmm...

...Ok you guys know I'm kidding right? Me? Valentines Day? Pshhht! Puh-leeeease!!!

Aside from being un-Islamic... it's just totally LAME. I know some people get upset with me when I say this, but it really is. It's already known that it's such a commercial holiday. It really disappoints me that some sisters fall into this Valentine's Day trap. They're so flattered when their husbands show up with roses, teddy bears, and candy. They're over the moon if they wake up to breakfast in bed or a have nice evening out.

Don't get me wrong, these are all lovely things... but when it's happening on Valentines Day, it completely lacks originality! What's so incredible about your husband doing the same thing millions of other men are doing on the same exact day? There's nothing special in it at all. What's worse is that some brothers only do this on Valentines Day, birthdays, and anniversaries. How cliche. Then there are those sisters who turn sour when their husbands do nothing for them on V-Day.

Islam promotes romance in marriage, even through the smallest acts subhanAllah. Something as simple as eating food can be turned into a sweet and special moment between husband and wife as shown through the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad salAllahu alayhi wasallam. This should mean that we should frequently do sweet things for our loved one.

Wouldn't you prefer a dinner out, roses, a special gift - anything - on any random day? That's so much sweeter than getting something on an expected day because everyone else is. Spontaneity is the key to romance. I find it strange that there needs to be a certain day dedicated to love, or to celebrating a person's life, or doing something good for one's parents.

wAllahi there isn't a single day where my husband doesn't do something totally selfless or tries to do something nice for me, though I can't say the same for myself to him. And I pray that inshaAllah he doesn't stop one day =) It's these numerous, small moments that keeps marriages strong.

We don't need to 'follow' the non-Muslims and think that going along with their holiday and definition of romance will keep us happy or flatter our spouse. Our beloved Prophet (SAW) has left many examples within the sunnah of how we should treat each other and what we can do to win each others hearts. Flowers and gifts are nice, but alhamdulillah, he's reminded us of specific things that we can do everyday to leave an imprint in our spouses hearts, and let's not forget those.

He's reminded the woman that though she should guard her modesty outside of the home, to beautify herself inside the house. I know it's hard sometimes, we get comfortable looking frumpy. How many times do we pick our best outfits when we go to sisters only parties/events? We wear our nicest jewelry and clothes, we put on some makeup and we don't take the time to preen ourselves at home... for the men who go out to work and lower their gaze all day long, only to come home to a woman in her oversized, stained t-shirt, hair a mess, nasty eye crust, and stankin' breath! haha Of course we aren't expected to like supermodels 24/7, but I think we can all agree we could put some more effort into looking better at home.

Brother's aren't an exception. So many sisters tell me prior to marriage their husbands used to be very athletic and at the gym all the time, and then post-nikaah, it all ends and he bears his long, hidden pot belly. Brothers comb and perfume their beards when they're out, but when they're home there's lint and crumbs scattered in their beards haha.

Men helping around the house, doing things for themselves sometimes is even a treat to women. The Prophet salAllahu alayhi wasallam was known to mend his own clothing. Helping with meals here and there or cleaning up speaks volumes to a woman, more so than a bouquet or unoriginal Hallmark card.

I have a friend who's been married for a couple months, and once a week her husband brings home a beautiful flower for her... each time it's a new flower. She presses them in a book to keep them, isn't that adorable? He doesn't wait for just a 'special' event to come up, being married to a loving wife is special enough.

I can't even remember the last time I made breakfast for my husband, alhamdulillah he takes care of that himself. I'd take this over a dozen roses any day. Even though it may go unmentioned a d it's not something I can wear on my finger/wrist and show to my friends, it's a load off of me and I really am thankful that he's not the type to lounge around in his recliner, scratching his belly and bark breakfast orders - not that men who don't make their meals all do that =)

So before you go back into the old routine, or even start a new one, of making plans for V-Day, how about thinking of something special you can do with your loved one weekly... or monthly even. Get gifts for one another when you least expect it. Surprise your husband with his favorite meal out of the blue... be original. Think of something special between the two of you and make it more meaningful than some lousy V-Day plans. We don't need these foolish holidays to give gifts or be sweet! Aishah radiAllahu anha used to wash our beloved Prophet's hair when he was in 'itikaaf, and she would comb his hair... how many of us do that for one another?

Let's not be like the non-Muslim couples to toss their spouses to the backseat year-round and when a 'holiday' or 'anniversary' comes up we make a big deal about it. Let's learn to forgive each other and show our love by whatever means we can each and every day.

Candies will be eaten and flowers will wilt - maybe we will remember them, maybe we won't - but sweet moments spent together are memories that last a lifetime inshaAllah

Breaking News! - Fiances are non-mahrams!

Alhamdulillah, I see a lot of younger sisters now pushing to get married earlier for fear of falling into sin. However, for some reason people take the label of 'fiance' and think it actually means something. It really doesn't. All it means is that this person will, inshaAllah, marry you and you've made promises/plans to do so. Other than that, they are still your non mahram up until the nikaah takes place. You treat him just as any other random Muhammad walking into the masjid. You can't chill with him, talk on the phone with him, even go out in groups with this person... no touching..nothing. Prior to the engagement surely you've spoken to this brother with your mahram present, getting to know him and considering him for marriage. Once you're engaged, khalas, you've considered and accepted him and there shouldn't be much need to get to know him more through speaking to him, because if you need to get to know him more, maybe you rushed into the engagement. From then on the only thing you may need to discuss are arrangements for the wedding.

Unfortauntely I see many sisters, most who have in the past shown clear understanding of fiances not being mahrams, driving alone in cars with their fiance, out smoking hooka with their finace, or hanging out at restaurants with them, sitting and posing side by side too. Just because other males/females are there with you, doesnt make it okay to go out and hang with him, especially if you're being social and giggling and laughing and flirting. What makes me even more confused is some of these sisters say, "It's okay, my cousin was there." YOUR COUSIN'S YOUR NON MAHRAM TOO - even if you don't plan on marrying him!

I understand there's a huge rush of emotions knowing that this is the man you will inshaAllah marry and spend the rest of your life with... but for now he is just a promise and nothing more. Please don't wear your heart on your sleeve and get so involved beforehand, because a lot of time this sets up false and high expectations which after marriage you realize those expectations will not be met. Please don't fall into the trap a lot of brothers and sisters get into with communicating with one another. This also makes it very difficult on people trying to get married but their parents disapprove. They feel so connected with this person and it causes much fitnah in the family because of the 'relationship' you had beforehand with this brother.

Indeed it's difficult to act like this person is no one special. Of course he is! But this is also why its best to not wait months or years for the nikaah to take place after an engagement because it makes things difficult between the intended partners.

Your finace is your non mahram, engagements are more easily broken off than marriages are. The nikaah puts the seal on your relationship and after that you can talk as much as you want without fear or worry of sinning. And then soon enough you'll start getting tired of hearing this person speak =p haha

Oh, and don't even get me started on engagement parties/ceremonies where they're sitting side by side decked out in front of dozens of people touching one another and putting rings on each other... blah..

May Allah make it easy on all of us, ameen!

Muslims and the Holiday Season

Growing up as a little Muslim attending public school throughout my years, I understand what it's like for kids to go through some type of identity crisis during the holidays, especially during this time of the year where it seems as though everyone is celebrating something. I'd always feel this sense of lonliness or emptyness while everyone else was excited for the holidays. It wasn't until my teen years when my parents actually started practicing the religion they too were born into. But before this change came, there were things they could have done to make me feel better around the holiday time which wasn't done. Two key things to do with kids these days, especially if they attend public school, is to make the Eidain seem like the 2 most incredible days of the year, and the second thing is to help them understand why we do not celebrate any other holidays besides these two and not be lenient with them.

"Separation of church and state" is such a lie. There was never a time in school where the winter holidays were not celebrated. Before the holiday break would begin, the list would circulate the classroom asking us to jot down what we'd bring in for the party. Even though the Eids were great for me, I'd get hundreds of dollars and have fun visiting my family until midnight, when it came to the un-Islamic holidays my parents never taught me WHY we didn't celebrate it .So rather than understanding why, I felt left out at school.

During my elementary school days I'd get caught up in the holiday hype. I looked forward to Christmas parties, the numerous candy canes I'd go home with, the hot chocolate we'd drink in school, and by that time I had memorized all the Xmas songs that would play over and over on the teachers cassette player. When we'd go to the mall we'd stop for pics with Santa (lol I still cant believe we'd do this nonsense!).I exchanged gifts with all of my friends and bought gifts for my teachers as well. I'd turn on the TV and watch all the xmas specials. In the stores xmas songs would be blaring and decorations would be everywhere, even in the towns streets lights would be strung around trees and illuminated snowflakes were on each lamppost. It was inescapable, anything you bought came in a red bag. Even the Oreos came in red cream, Santa was on every can of Coke, and Hershey Kisses wrappers were festive as well. Everyone on the block would have decorations on their lawns, blow up snowmen, prancing reindeer, and light up santas. The Jews would have their menorahs displayed at the window. I'd collected dozens on dreidels by the time I was in high school and understood what each of the 4 symbols stood for.

Halloween, Easter, New Year, Valentines Day, and Thanksgiving were no exception. Again, there was non-stop commercialization on TV and in all the stores. In middle school I was in the schools chorus and memorized songs about xmas morning, hannukah, and even kwanzaa. 10 year olds were paying to have anonymous roses sent as Valentines and I couldnt help but feel flattered when I received one. Now when I think back to it I was only 10, what the heck?! We weren't Turkey people, but on Thanksgiving my mom would bake a chicken and we'd sit down at the table and eat dinner together, one of the few times we'd even do that. On New Years we'd stay up and watch the ball drop, I taped a paper with my 'New Years Resolutions' on the wall in my bedroom. I'd take great pride in making my Mother's and Father's Day presents at school... the list goes on...

Finally when I just entered my teen years, the imaan in my household shot up. And I'm thankful that the explinations I never got when I was younger, at least my brother was getting in his childhood. He sat out during the holiday parties and concerts. He did his own type of crafts when everyone else made gift baskets for their moms or colored pictures of ties for their parents. He went to school in his usual clothes while everyone came in costumes... and halloween night while many of this friends were out trick or treating, he was where he was every night, at the masjid learning how to read the Qur'an and memorizing it. My parents were sure to explain to him that we have our own holidays to get excited about and shouldnt have anything to do with the rest. I too became more fond of Eid and brushed the holidays to the side when they came around, though my memories were still with me of days passed and traditions lost. But for the most part we had normal days when birthdays would come by, we kept our door shut when trick or treaters rang our bell and so on.

Some parents may think there's no big deal in giving kids some exposure during these holidays so they don't feel left out. But in my opinion it'll only confuse them and when they become older and need to stay away from these practices, they too will figure 'whats the big deal'? Really the best cure for this is spending time with your kids, explaining to them, and keeping them on the right path from the start.

-Before Ramadan came around my mom was sure to set aside a day for me to have my friends over for an iftar party and another day for my brother. She'd make whatever we wanted and we'd have a blast with our friends. Everyone would come dressed in their cute outfits and we'd have fun just eating and hanging out with each other. A week ahead of time we'd put lights up around the windows and a 'HAPPY RAMADAN/RAMADAN MUBARAK poster at our window. Just recently we found the light up Happy Ramadan/Eid sign and started using that. Sometimes we'd be the only ones with lights up in our windows on the block haha, but we liked that even our home, inside and out, reflected OUR holiday was here!

-The night before Eid we'd do a super clean up of the house, we'd iron our clothes and prepare sweets for the blessed day. Sometimes my mom even had weird urges to rearrange the furniture LOL. I enjoyed this preparation time because it was time in the kitchen with my mom making our favorite treats. We'd go outfit shopping together and shop for gifts for me to exchange with my friends.

-The day of Eid, of course everyone would enjoy that. We had our own custom of visiting family in the morning and making time for sick family members most importantly. My mom would never go empty-handed to someones house. My dad always took the last 10 days of Ramadan off and Eid as well. I felt bad for friends whos parents went to work. I understand sometimes you just cant get the day, but they wouldnt even make it exciting when theyd come home from work. Some friends on Eid ul Adha would even go to school. Come on, thats the Eid thats celebrated for 3 days and from day 1 people are treating it like nothing!

-The day we'd return to school after Eid my mom would give me something really nice to wear, hoping she'd prompt friends to ask me, "Why are you all dressed up?" And so I could answer, "Eid!!!" with this I was able to explain to lots of my friends what Eid was.

-Since I was nearing high school at this point, my mom would send treats for my brothers classmates at school and a book for them to read about the holiday of Eid. I really liked this because it gave my brother a chance to get excited over something in school and also these young children were being exposed to the fact that there are holidays out there they don't know about. Any non-Muslims my brother was really close with would be invited over for iftar parties too and would be able to watch my brother and the other Muslim kids make salah and my mom wouldn't exclude them when she bought Eid gifts for my brothers friends either.

-Though we never celebrated the Islamic New Year, my mom again would give us nice clothes to wear to school so we could tell people its the New Year for Muslims - even my teachers never knew that Muslims went by a different calendar. Through this eventually I was able to give one of my teachers a da'wah pamphlet explaining Islam because this triggered her interest in it. In middle school the few Muslims would get together and have iftar parties and invite some of the non Muslim teachers and classmates, I always admired some of them who fasted just for the day and some even for the entire month! Many of them asked for a copy of the Quran after experiencing a little bit of Ramadan.

-Even though we only celebrate the Eidain, many Muslims forget that Jumu'ah is also a special day for us. In the summertime and whenever we were off from school my mother would give us nicely ironed clothes to wear to Jumu'ah. The clothes we wore then we never wore for any other occasion unless it was really special. We'd leave early and be among the first people there. She'd let us have our friends over or let us spend time at our friends house. She'd cook something extra special on Fridays and was sure Thursday night to finish all her cleaning. There is not a single Friday I remember coming home from school and not seeing the lines from the vaccum on the carpet indicating she'd vaccumed and there would be a fresh smell in the air, sometimes oil burning in the corner or the carpet powder smell still lingering. The beds would have crisp, clean sheets and my father would come home early from work to attend Jumuah salah with us and take us out if we thought of anywhere to go.

Despite disliking my younger childhood memories of holidays and how my parents never helped me feel better about not celebrating xmas and so on... I cherish the memories I made in my early teen years when we started practicing and made our Islamic holidays more special. We never went on vacations or had over the top parties... actually we never had parties! haha... but the time we spent as a family, the special customs we had during Eid and Jumuah complete my childhood memories, and rank highest. When other Muslims are discussing what theyll wear to go trick or treating or the awesome turkey their mom made for Thanksgiving, or even now, the roses their husbands bought them on Valentines Day...I smile to myself and remember how wonderful my mother made Eid for us and the special feeling and warth that filled the home on these joyous days. Even when, alhamdulillah, my father returned from Hajj when I was a sophomore in high school - we didn't throw a big party or anything. We wrapped some presents he brought back for people, whoever visited was offered Zam Zam water, and spent time together and thanked Allah for his safe return. We huddled together in the room sipping hot chocolate while my father shared his Hajj stories for the next following nights. I loved how we didnt need to spend money or do over the top things to have fun with one another.

I hope inshaAllah as my family grows we can make the Eidain more and more special. I already enjoy Fridays when I iron my 1 year olds clothes and dress him nicely for Jumuah, and when my husband would occasionally dab Yusuf's head with some of his oil haha. I dont want my child(ren) to ever feel left out or anything during the holiday seasons, but like myself, to remember how much fun Eid is.

I pray the families of our generation, whether they have kids yet or not, can also practice these traditions in their household. I see more and more Muslims getting excited for Thanksgiving and birthdays than they do for Eid. More Muslims are making time to attend birthday and holiday parties than they are making time to go out for Jumuah. Its time we start cherishing our OWN holidays more and stop trying to fit in with everyone else and give time to their holidays, most of which now are unfortunately commercial and the true teachings and traditions are lost anyway.

Why are Muslims STILL Smoking Sheesha?

I think I've received the email entitled 'Doctors say sheesha/hookay may be more dangerous than smoking cigarettes' more than 25 times, thus I know many people I know and countless other Muslims must have gotten this same email.

I'm sure more than half of these people didn't even read it, or even take the title of the article to heart.

I still can't believe I see so many pictures of brothers and sisters lounging around, INTERMINGLING, and smoking sheesha together. I think if I see another bearded brother or hijabi blowing smoke I'll barf. Seriously guys, it looks so disgusting to see Muslim people doing this.

I understand in some Muslim countries it's customary, but custom strikes out when it steps to the plate against Islam. Not to mention most people smoking sheesha uptook this custom right here in the US after it became popular.

I think just because it's done in Muslim countries that put comfort and reassurance in some Muslims hearts that this is something we could do without feeling bad about it. The same goes for the kifayah/shemagh design which has become so popular and almost every clothing line has some article of clothing with the design. I rarely saw Muslims wearing their kifayahs before, but ever since Rachel Ray's paisly scarf confusion, I've been seeing kifayah prints everywhere and morebrothers and sisters feel more comfortable, but firstly, fashionable and accepted wearing it. Props to the brothers in Islam who went out with their kifayahs before it became a fashion statement. Many people who wear it for fashion (mostly non Muslims) don't even know where the print originated from or what it stands for.

Anyway, call me a fool, but after receiving all those emails about hookah being dangerous, I felt kind of happy because I figured more Muslims would stop, but it seems more people are doing it. My heart aches from seeing brothers and sisters giggling and sitting next to each other smoking away, this is truly one of the saddest images I have seen subhanAllah. It just looks so wrong.

May Allah help guide us all, ameen!

Ramadan around the World!

An Iranian man buys special sweets called 'zulbia' and 'bamieh' in a pastry shop in Tehran last year. Iran has shut down more than 200 eateries and warned 26,000 people for violating a ban on eating and offering food before sunset during Ramadan, Iran's deputy police chief has said

A Palestinian walks past an arranged Iftar meal, a meal breaking the fast during the holy fasting month of Ramadan, at a mosque in Balata refugee camp in the West Bank city of Nablus

A Kashmiri Muslim woman licks the walls [??!!?!?!?!!], as she prays inside the shrine of Sufi saint Hazrat Sheikh Hamza Makhdoom, commonly known as Sultan-Ul-Arifeen during holy month of Ramadan, in Srinagar, India

A Bosnian baker prepares traditional breads for Iftar

A Palestinian man prays outside the Dome of the Rock on the compound known to Muslims as al-Haram al-Sharif

A Palestinian Muslim girl looks out from her family house which is decorated with festive lights

Bangladeshi boatmen offer prayer during Ramadan, Islam's holiest month, as others wait for passengers in flooded Munshigonj district, 20 kilometers (12 miles) south of Dhaka, Bangladesh, Monday, Sept. 8, 2008. Thousands of villagers have been displaced due to floods in northern Bangladesh

An Indonesian chef makes a finishing touch on a giant replica of a mosque made of chocolate at a hotel in Jakarta, Indonesia, Monday, Sept. 8, 2008. The 5-meter (16.4 feet) tall chocolate mosque was made of 200 kilograms (441 lbs.) of chocolate

Jordan's King Abdullah prepares to kiss the Al-Hajar Al-Aswad, or black stone, as he performs the Umrah

An Iraqi baker prepares sweets for iftar

A Palestinian woman walks near the controversial Israeli barrier as she crosses a checkpoint in the West Bank city of Bethlehem

A newly released prisoner greets a relative as US troops look on in Al-Rashid, south of Baghdad, February 2008. The US military has said it plans to free 3,000 detainees held in Iraq during the month of Ramadan, taking the number of those released so far this year to more than 15,000

An Israeli border police officer gestures to a Palestinian Muslim family while they wait to cross at the Israeli army checkpoint at Kalandiya, between Ramallah and Jerusalem, Friday, Sept. 5, 2008. Around 90,000 Muslims congregated in Jerusalem for the first Friday prayers of the holy month of Ramadan

A Palestinian Muslim worshipper is backdropped by the Russian Orthodox Church

Workers dry vermicelli, a specialty eaten during the Muslim fasting month of Ramadan, in the southern Indian city of Hyderabad

Mubarak!

كل عام وأنتم بخير

RAMADAN KAREEM!

Mubarak to all for making it to yet another blessed month of Ramadan! Please use the time wisely and to your advantage! Allah has truly given us this month as a blessing!

It's taking me some time to get used to the fact that I'll be fasting tomorrow and the AC is on! haha All my life I can remember Ramadan being during the cool weather. My father would come in from Fajr salah with a red nose and frosted glasses, cups of hot chocolate for iftaar, watching 'smoke' escape our mouthes as we stood outside conversing at the masjid after taraweeh salah.... it's just so different... but mashaAllah it makes it all the more fun!

I can't wait to go to taraweeh once in a while, it will be hard with the baby and being that taraweeh starts at Yusuf's bedtime... but alhamdulillah! I'm excited to have iftaars at our place inshaAllah and I reallyyyy hope inshaAllah I can complete the entire Qur'an.

Last year because I was pushing the end of my pregnancy I could not fast and I felt so totally out of the game, but I'm back in this year and excited inshaAllah. I pray that I can form many traditions and warm feelings in my home for my family during this blessed month, and really embrace our beloved holiday.

May Allah increase us in faithfulness this Ramadan and preserve it for long after the month has left us, may He increase our ibadah. and may He increase us all in knowledge and patience in this month! AMEEN!